If there’s one thing I lack in, it’s confidence (apart from beauty, brains and gold). Just the thought of facing people makes me want to dig a hole and crawl in and never ever come out again. That is how bad I fear people in general. My ex-boss told me I do have that connection with people – that I make people feel comfortable just being around me. I don’t know if they said it just to get me to stay on but I really doubt it because deep inside I’m quaking with fear. Every time I meet strangers, I just don’t know what to say to them. I know a handful of individuals who can easily open up and just reach out by talking. A lot. Perhaps that’s how they fill the spaces – by talking nonstop. I envy them because every time I open my mouth, the wrong things come out and I get really embarrassed because it gets painfully awkward after and yeah, the cycle repeats itself.
What I don’t get is how these people start a conversation, fill the spaces in between and end a conversation politely. Of course anyone can say, hey it takes a lot practice … and a lot of insensitivity (? There must be a better word for this because what I meant is ‘muka tebal’ in BM) to actually get to the point when talking to people becomes…less of a task, so to speak. Truthfully I am very self-conscious; I worry what people may think about me, I worry that I’m not likeable enough, that I could have express myself better than I did. It comes to the point where I come across as cold and proud when I’m just plain shy. Then other times what I could have said during the conversation occurs to me long after the (rather awkward) conversation has ended. Yes, I am that slow to catch on. Of course I could add unsubstantial inputs to at least lighten things up but when my brain shuts down, it really shuts down for good…
I’ve tried, I really have tried to be more alert, to be more expressive and to be more natural (the irony is that you don’t try to be natural, you just are) but then I come across as too smart for my own good, and again, a stuck up. Finding that middle ground is a lot harder than it seems. The funny thing is that when I’m tipsy, I get verbal diarrhoea (apart from the erm-). I remember one night when I was heaving my guts out after too much to drink, I was actually talking to people as if I was in an everyday conversation minus the “ah”, “I see” and “oh okay” (and that really awkward pause in the middle where you’re thinking what to say but nothing comes to you). In fact, I can still recall the conversations up to today and boy, if I weren’t doubling over with puke every 5 minutes, I thought I’d have gotten over my anti-social predicament. But I guess that’s not the case and hence-
But of course I can’t get myself high and tipsy before a job interview because who would hire a drunk to work for the company? That said, I don’t know how am I going to get through tomorrow or future interviews without wanting to throw myself off a building every time. But…it’s just an interview, why would I want to do that? Everyone will go through this same process, perhaps some more successfully than others. But at the end of the day, I will find myself in the work place, I will work (fight) my way up from there. That or I’ll fail miserably, at life in general because if I can’t even go through disappointment of failure than how am I suppose to stand back up and do it all over again – only better the next time? Ok, now I’m just quoting a page from one of those motivational books about how to deal with failure etc.
You know, it’s easier said than done. Because if it was as simple as it is, people wouldn’t use illegal ways to solve some problems.
Okay, now I’m just ranting about how unfair life is and going completely off tangent.
Moral of the story? Go out there, face it like a (wo)man and suck it up the way only I can. Because hey, what is there to lose? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Now excuse me while I go dig my own grave just in case.
